By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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