Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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