I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
