this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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