It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she looked like the before picture.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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