and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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