I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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