oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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