by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
