its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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