what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
