I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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