he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
