woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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