Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
