I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
