I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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