Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
