I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
