I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize