Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize