so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
