the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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