i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
