Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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