I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
