Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
