why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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