don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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