Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
