do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
