You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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