I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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