Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
