after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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