Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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