That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
