the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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