Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
