Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
