My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
