Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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