FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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