i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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