I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize