I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
