Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
