we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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