I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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