Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
