Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
