You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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