Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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