I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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