Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
