I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
