I will die if light touches me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
