and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
