my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
People in love make me want to vomit
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize