I'm jealous of your bromance
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
