i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
